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Monty – Al Faromino
It’s like an Italian Chevy SSR. ‘Vert? Yup. Coupe? Oh yea. Bed? Si. But now even better because it’s an Alfa Romeo. The engine bay is lined with oil and the bed is lined with wood. That which makes this home-grown legend more luxurious than a Lincoln Blackwood. All for a low price of €1200.
Does it run? Does it have registration? Who cares. Do you care? When after import fees, you and your buddies get to pull up to the Tumbleweed Café one fine evening and already know who’s won the night (it’s you).
With a 50 year old twin cam engine under the rotting hood, get ready to make like a tumbleweed yourself and roll that bitch to the nearest AutoZone. But after all, a broken car means more quality time with the ladies you will no doubt be picking up left and right.
M – Vandura Hotboi Supreme
The only van-life involved with this glorious machine will be the HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN CONCIEVED WITHIN. How to put into words the majesty of this creation? It’s no wonder more than 500 idiots (claimed) want to know if this is available. Whoever its mystery Pennsylvanian creator may be, he seems to have an affinity for angry dogs, women, the color purple, and incandescent lights. Does your leased 5-Series have an illuminated stripper pole? I bet not, bitch. Get your ass back to the BITCH CONTROL CHAMBER.
Which I assure you is an actual illuminated sign on the rear door of the van.
You want presence? Perception? A new personality? Appeal? Sex? Sex appeal? Just pick up this beauty less than LITERALLY ANY NEW CAR.
Nii-San Tsuru – Green With Envy
Fast? Quesionable. Furious? Far more likely. An angry little car for the sort of angry little man who resembles it in appearance. It is unknown which of them will explode first.
This little sedan is outfitted as every other EK is, or will be by its next owner. It is the circle of life and we must not interfere. Under the hood, the listing shows a turbocharged Honda D16. You know, the one with the weak rods? Yeah bud, it’s a Honda, throw it as much boost as you want. Other sick mods include custom Ebay aero, LED headlights, likely spray painted wheels, and interior parts of unknown brands and origins. We also have a vented hood, seemingly from the Lowes HVAC aisle, and some kind of Duraflex body kit. And one of those in anything but primer grey is worth its weight in gold.
If imitation is flattery, then this car’s uniqueness speaks volumes.
Pierce – Heresay, Your Honor
SELING MY GRAMSON CHEBY. BOY AIN PAYED ME FOR CRASHIN THE OL LADYS BIUCK… HAS HAF A LIFT I THINK… THAT BOY AIN RIGHT MAKE ME AN OFER PHONEC ALL ONLY…
GOBBLESS
Ain’t it nice of this fellow to inform us upfront about the driving experience his bespoke vehicle provides?
After careful consideration, MSIMA analysts have concluded it likely does not, in fact, run or drive great. The sultry sounds of an oil-starved 4.8 Vortec blasting through rusty straight pipes emanates from its cursed form, even through a mere image. And it can all be yours for the price of an average, far better, Japanese shitbox.
Big Cheese – Ten For a Band
It emerged deep from the cavern of the Deutschland’s online marketplace, a mysterious and compelling find, best described by Big Cheese himself:
“IF YOU’RE IN THE MONEY FOR CHEAP SPEED THEN YOU SHOULD BUY THIS INCREDIBLY LEGAL, UNREGISTERED AND NEVER INSURED FIAT PUNTO! DON’T LOOK AT THE FIT OF THE DRIVER SIDE DOOR, THE MISSING HANDLE, MUFFLER, RUSTY WELDED FENDER AND SILL, AND SURELY DO NOT MIND THE MISSING LEFT AXLE BOOT. YOU DON’T NEED THEM! BECAUSE IT MAKES THING LIGHTER! JUST A FEW MORE PARTS AND THIS THING WOULD BE BEATING LOTUSES WITH ITS 80BHP 1.2L 16V ENGINE, AND BREAK DOWN TWICE AS FAST! GUARANTEED!”
Wow. Inspiring. The words of a true salesman that would have the likes of Big Bill Hell quaking in his boots. Astoundingly, the picture above is the best included with this listing. According to the alleged “owner” of this machine, it was received as a gift from a work colleague. It has never been insured, and he “would have got its papers registered but now he doesn’t have the desire to do that anymore”.
Now he passes his dream now on to you for…$100.
Jerry – Motortricycling Magnificence
“Fit for the funerary procession of Lord Bill Smith, aristocrat of nowhere county Michigan”
Hell yeah, hoss. Throw ol’ Bill’s remains over the handlebars so I have some extra ballast for this massive burnout I’m about to rip.
The images included with this…mechanism provide a far better explanation than I could hope to. Unique? I bet, please refer to the Civic above for what that means. This fiberglass palace is allegedly based on a Honda Goldwing, but the front quarter seems to be Harley-derived or of a similar cruiser. The flat-6 GL engine does not seem to be present up front, and I can’t help but wonder not only where the Goldwing parts remain, but if any do at all. Curious. If anyone can identify the origin of this machine’s rear end, you get one dabloon.
For the price of a GTI, would you crank this hog?
NothingFace – 强车 WeiZhi 1.5 Business Sedan 企业车辆
I know not a thing about the humble WeiZhi sedan, but this “state-owned company shitbox” is a real treat for the eye and the wallet. If the listing is to be believed, this fleet model is YOURS for only $0.0047. That’s right, 47 THOUSANDTHS OF A CENT!*
*Import taxes not included
No saying you’re out of the market now, broke boy. With a 1.5L four of unknown origin up front, and right-hand drive with a 5-speed manual, this is basically the JDM Type-R you always dreamed of. Smart economic purchase for business lifestyle! Fortune to you!
The Skinwalker – Ballin, But At What Cost?
With the current economic state of our dying world, it is hard to fathom being truly ballin for less than $400k. A pittance fee even at that!
But fear not, there are options for us underlings. For a fraction of that, you can own this 2006 Bentley clean title Way to menny ppl just asking (Cool Bentley). It sure is, bud.
“Clean Florida title” is a meaningless phrase, so expect to get that sorted along with your sacked-out air suspension and ~$50k of other minor repairs. Men and women alike will look at you as you scrape past blown up Hellcats beside the mechanic shop. The employees know you by name now, but with your 30% tinted glass the haters never will.
That’s all for now, folks.
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