Hello, dear comsumers and assholes worldwide.

This is a special report based on new information (mystery images) kept under high security (on a USB drive) brought to us by covert sources (the office mailbox). Included was the media you see below, and a bourbon-scented wrinkled index card which read the following:

“Dear sirs. I write in hopes that your team can be trusted with this information. The existence of Musk’s new machine leaves me in constant ire. For it is a derivitave work! A sham on an exquisite piece of art! With the software I have developed, I hold proof to trace his work to the master Porsche! The files attached are my truth, all I have left. Various Teslas have been self-driving circles about my lab for the past two days. I fear for my life.

My assistant may have died to bring you this information. Godspeed.“

Dr. Doug Lobter

Wow, what a crazy dude. Let’s see what he has for us.

The first image appears to be a Porsche 911 GT3 Touring, either crudely modeled in ZBrush or scanned on some sort of 3D visual potato-coder. Let’s move on.

Per the Doctor’s notes, the Porsche was then condensed with a process likely days, possibly weeks in length. A testament to his patience indeed. The result is this highly-refined interpolation model depicting the supercar in no more than eighty polygons. A true testament to science!

As we studied the triangular forms for some sort of deeper truth, epiphany struck. Why, the triangle itself! The once finely-swept roofline had been warped into some crude, horrible wedge. An impossible likeness, surely.

But no, a truth none can look back from.

After reviewing with the MSIMA board of scientific and extramarital affairs, we must conclude that Dr. Lobter’s data is near irrefutable.

This image tells what we all feared. To the non-scientific mind, this appears to be a single trilateral form. But no. In a miracle feat of modern technology, the Doctor has compressed the GT3 touring down to a mere three polygons.

Dare I say, a near-exact replica of the loathsome Cybertruck. This connection cannot be disproven. The man who has brought it to our attention risked life and limb pushing the boundaries of science to bring us this information. An act of folly, perhaps, in the infinite hubris of mankind. If it were in our power to do so, we would attempt to refine these crude visuals with further compression.

But alas, we are limited by the technology of our time.