From one Matthew G. Wilbur of Alliance, Nebraska. He asks, nay, he pleads for automotive advice. We’ll try our best sir:

Dear MSIMA staff,

I’m writing to from Alliance Nebraska with question. There is only a single car dealership in town (Wolf Ford) and I really don’t want to buy a new Ford. I am looking for my first car. My dad doesn’t want me to buy anything remotely Asian sounding because they’re all “cheaply made communist rice burners”. I’ve saved up around $6700 from working night shifts at the local corn silo and rail yard.

I’ve got one more year until I graduate, then I’m off to college in Omaha. I’ll need this mechanical beast to last the next five years.

Counting on y’all!

Matthew G. Wilbur

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Well Matty ol boy, do we at MSIMA potentially have the solution to you!

What’s that? A MSIMA poll article ®️ INSIDE a MSIMA Tales from the Inbox ®️!? Blasphemy, I know…

Anyways, here’s what we’ve got for you:

Dodge B100 Van – Van Lyfe and a Beaten Wyfe

Ah the van life. Matt ‘ol boy, this crust bucket could be your ticket to Shag-vana. It’s perfectly utilitarian for hauling fertilizer, but roomy and specious to fit the family and neighbors for the hour drive to the closest “big town” to Alliance. Sure, there’s no title and it needs new rubber, but if ya think about it, no title = no title registration fee! It’s a win win! And if you aren’t sold yet, it’s a stick. Therefore, it can’t be bad.

1988 Mitsubishi Chrysler Conquest – All American Racer* (*just don’t look closely)

Alright so the all American van isn’t whatcha want. I get it, no one wants to look like you frequent playgrounds at 35 and “bird watch” with your new camera. We get it. So instead, let’s ride that 80’s box flared wedge hype all the way to North Platte (where ever the hell that is). The hatch is spacious, the car seats 4, and just look at it! Plus, this one has a roll cage, for that aspiring little racer in all of us <3.

AND, it says Chrysler, not Mitsubishi, so why not pull a sneaky one on ‘ol Pops? Speaking of…

2003 Pontiac Vibe – Pulling a Sneaky One

So you want Toyota reliability and hatchback practicality. You know what engine these have? 1.8L i4 from the Matrix and Celica. Also the Lotus Elise, kinda, so it can rev past 8000 RPM in the Vibe GT. Is that necessary? Uh no but you wanted fun right? Anyways, it’s technically a Pontiac! Who would dare question a Pontiac? So buy it, beat the piss outta it, and revel in the fact that your dad will be none the wiser.

1984 JMC Jimmy – Make Pops Proud

See, you can make your ‘ol man proud. No need to lie behind the curtains of grey imports and badge engineering! You’ll blend right in with your coworkers, and be seen as a useful asset back at the farm.

Merkur XR4TI – The Flames of Wrath Consumes Us All

Wanna play with fire? This is how. While technically not a Ford in the US, you can have the legendary European market Sierra, that’s right. The rally and touring car. Sure, this isn’t the homologation special Cosworth motor, and sure they probably will go *pop* when trying to hit like, 80mph. But you will have an undertone of cool about your existence when you commute. And these things are so cheap, you could buy 3 of them to keep own running! Plus this one is a race car! Kinda!

2006 Chevy SSR – If Money Was No Object

Say you saved up a bit more. You could buy this SSR and be the hottest shit in Alliance Nebraska! It’s basically an LS powered Ute! Like an El Camino with the Spanish language taken outta its name or a Holden Commodore but AMERICAN. And it’s a convertible. Plus, this car gives you the right TO TALK TO POEPLLE LIKE TBIS, GOBBLESS AND CRANK ON HOSS.

Toyota Tundra – Make Him a Changed Man

Look, we know your dad said “nothing remotely Asian”, however maybe with this all USA built hunk of utilitarian V8 metal, you dear Matt, can show him the errors of his ways! $6500 obo on offer up. A racist mind is a racist kind, and we all love motor racing!

And if you dear consumer of content, think you could’ve given better advice, join the discord server and prove it, you lard legged trout faced farce of a human.