Whaddup you featherless bipeds. It’s 2006 my mo-fos, got two more years to live it up in ecstasy until the economy crashes, so jump in to this 5.5 L twin turbo V12 nut job, and let’s try to keep it pointed straight.

How they hell did y’all find this?

Oh silly disembodied voice of the audience. A figure of pimply accord bestowed this slab of Germanic iron upon our grubby little mitts. Just ignore that fact that we last drove it in anger at least two years ago!

Two years ago? And you expect me to trust in the “infallibility of your memory”?

Look, while I agree it’s a bit funky, some cars don’t leave your mind that quickly. Especially not your first v12.

Wasn’t that the Valkyrie review?

Uh… ANYWAYS!

This early 2000’s twi-

Is that an AMG Badge?

Look, I was given the same roundabout justification speech about how “it’s an AMG engine but not an AMG etc etc” way too many times. But to cut a long story short, no, it’s not. Best forget you saw it honestly.

Poser.

And what are you gonna do about? As I was saying, this early 2000’s twin turbo’d big baller monster of a car is somehow even crazier than that 911 997.1 turbo reviewed last year.

Really, the old man Mercedes?

At least in a few important ways. The 997 turbo feels better, sounds louder, and goes like hell. It’s a lovely mechanical, visceral experience. But you always felt in control.

It’s just a Mercedes SL dude, skill issue much?

Look ya prick, the Porsche turbo has been AWD since the 90’s, and no matter how straight line fast it is, it feels stable. It corners well. Its indifferent to an extra 200 hp. And by the 997.1, the computer controls have evolved enough to keep your ass both in check and moving quickly.

This twin turbo SL from a year prior is more of an on-off switch. It either hits you with an authoritarian hand of power-cutting traction control, or the car gets completely overwhelmed and gives up trying to keep the rear in check.

Oh god

Exactly. When you press on the gas, like actually commit to wide open throttle, you feel the tires struggle for grip. And it doesn’t particularly get better once you’re in boost. Then when you throw corners at this thing, it just becomes worse.

So with all that rubber, it doesn’t corner?

Kinda. It’s not a mess, it’s still a 2-door v12 convertible with a Mercedes badge on it. But when trying to see how this car handles suddenly makes it fairly obvious after being in this car that is has two purposes in life. The first is to cruise down A1A next to the beach with the top down looking like a baller on your way to work. The second is to get your from Stuttgart to Mannheim as fast as humanly possible on the autobahn without ever skipping a beat. It’s an early 2000’s German GT car, it wants to either cruise at 25 or at 225.

Now, look in the engine bay:

Aside from probably being absolute hell to work on, just look at it.

That seems crammed…

Exactly, the v12 takes up the entire engine bay, and a good chunk of it lives in front of the front tires. Which means the rear is pretty light in comparison. So, turn in, and initially it’s not bad. The car is heavy and rides on pretty wide rubber, although you do feel a lighter rear end. But, the moment boost comes on, this car will consider killing you.

So you’re saying that a 2006 v12 Mercedes drives like a neutered Porsche 930?

Yeah it drives like an older turbocharged car. Just like it has two real use cases, it has two unofficial driving modes: pre and post boost.

Before you boost, you’ll still get some wheel spin because it’s a damn torque monster if a v12, but it’s not anything surprising. Then, the bastard surges into real power and suddenly it’s almost as fast as an f80 (2016) M3. But unlike that generation of BMW M car, where the engine is linear and the aggression hits you upfront, there’s a delay.

What happened to “turbo lag builds character”?

This is not a Porsche 930 or a Ferrari F40. It’s a damned SL from the current millennia. But you’re Mercedes-Benz and you’ve just turbocharged a 5.5L v12. And shoved it into a small-ish car. It goes, then it goes. But sometimes, it goes when you’re mid corner. And that’s when TC gives up, and suddenly the laws of physics take center stage. It will step out, it will snap back, and with that relatively short wheelbase and a car not really set up for catching a slide, it’ll be a “characterful handful”.

And does a v12 really need two turbos? Like, it’s a 5.5L v12, does it need almost 500hp and two turbos to get it there? Maybe? It’s a German GT car, so you’re not looking for a screaming 9000rpm monster, turbos add up-top grunt without much noise, the v12 provides enough torque down low to move a continental plate, and the whole thing goes through a terrible 5 speed slush box. Oh yea, the transmission…

Did you say 5 speed?

Yeah so it’s a 5 speed, apparently because the other trannies they had couldn’t handle the torque. And it sucks. Common theme with these Mercedes that we’ve driven ain’t it? But not only is it slow, but it’s clueless. The gearbox in the c63 AMG we reviewed earlier might have been slow, but at least it knew what car it was it. Whatever computer is controlling the gears in this SL doesn’t seem to realize that there are two turbos waiting to chime into the act of accelerating. So it responds to three things: normal driving, “sport” mode, and the kick-down switch.

Sure there’s a manual mode, but it’s just a one way ticket to get clinical depression. “Sport” or whatever just holds the gears a bit and let’s you rev, and is just the normal tuning but with a bit more patience. The kickdown switch has no chill, nor is it on time. And if you’re say, getting on throttle on corner exit, it’ll probably downshift when you least expect it. Also, in Florida weather, it will heat-soak horribly and eventually cut power.

Is there anything remotely positive about this thing?

Sure, it’s a twin turbo v12 convertible Mercedes. I think that kinda makes up for the shit gearbox, lazy computer, and turbo lag. And it also explains why it’s way too quiet for my taste. The v12 isn’t an engine it’s a municipal power plant. It gets up and fucks off with unreasonable determination, and despite the best efforts of that 5 speed, it will not be deterred, much less when it’s on boost. The hydraulic suspension, when it works, does it’s job fairly well in keeping body motions at bay, even though the issues mentioned before will eventually win out.

It’s also a pretty comfy car (with an embarrassingly dated “infotainment system”), the AC blows hard and cold, the noises it does make are nice, and it does give you the confidence to want to attempt a cannonball run with an average speed of 180mph.

It’s not a sports car. While its called an “SL”, this ain’t a really linage that you’ll trace back to the Super Light racer that dominated in the 50’s and 60’s. It’s a GT car, and in that space it exists pretty well. But if you try to make the Benz boat dance, you should really hang on tight to whatever’s close and pray your will is legible.